I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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