I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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