Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
soo... how was my night?
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