I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize