Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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