if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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