Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Randomize
