Betty ford says i'm here all night
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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