apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
