Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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