i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
