There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
