it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
