I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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