dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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