girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
