Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
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