I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
