Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
