Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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