I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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