he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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