My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
