it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
