Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
