Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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