I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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