I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize