good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
