Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
