dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
