I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
When did angry sex become our thing?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
