I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize