my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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