Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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