my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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