last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
