i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize