Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
