Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
