first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
