He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
