OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
