he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
