This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
