Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Your cock deserves a montage
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
