I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
