just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize