OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize