Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
