How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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