Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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