I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
