i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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