I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
