Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
