I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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