dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
