Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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