I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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