I will die if light touches me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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